One of the most annoying questions I receive from authors and publicists is, "Where is my book review link?"

Book reviews are fluid animals in the online realm and are posted when 1) the post had been uploaded 2) the post has been edited and 3) when the host has a slot open for it. (Virtual book tours tend to have solid deadlines.)

Why is this so annoying? Most requests are so general, it is obvious that the author or publicist didn't even bother to check the site first.  As a VBT host, this says to me:

1. If they don't check the site, then they don't subscribe to our RSS or bother to visit at least once a week.
2. If they don't subscribe or visit, then they likely aren't driving traffic to our site.
3. If they aren't driving traffic to our site by adding us to a blogroll or checking it out themselves, then they don't care about our site.
4. If they don't care about our site, then why should I care about their books?

When the "Where's the Beef" lady asked that very question, she looked at the product before uttering the famous line from the Wendy's campaign. If you want links to your book reviews, shouldn't you at least look before you ask?

For those who appreciate vintage campaigns, I've included a YouTube snippet of one of the "Where's the Beef" commercials, the brilliant, long-lasting marketing campaign for Wendy's in the 1980s. Come on, how many of you still have a T-shirt with the phrase buried in the closet?

I constantly check reviews on Amazon sites for reviews of products I want to buy. The star rating is what I look at first, then the reviews.

One thing I've noticed recently, though, is how people misuse the review area of Amazon - and, ultimately, skew the star rating system.

If you look through product reviews, you will find people who actually review the seller, rather than the item. On Amazon, you have the opportunity to review the seller in a different area of the site. Typically, customers receive an email that asks them to rate the transaction.

Unfortunately, comments like, "Fast shipping. Thanks!" along with a five-star rating now end up in the product review section. That means the star rating is for the seller, instead of the product.

As customer, this really stinks. I have to be much more vigilant about ratings and thoroughly read reviews before I make a purchase.

As an author, however, this can be a good and bad situation. If reviewers had a great experience with the seller, it will help your star rating. If they had a really bad experience, however, it could hurt it. 

This is another reason a great reason to patrol sites like Amazon for reviews. See what people are saying and how they rate your work. If they comment on the seller, gently point them to the seller review area, or simply ask them what they thought of the book itself.

Other reasons people give a bad rating:

• They don't like the cover art. 
• They wish it was offered on Kindle instead.
• They wish it was in hard copy instead of on Kindle.
• They don't like the author's Web site.
• They haven't liked anything else from the author and don't bother to read the book, just give it a bad rating. 

Related news:

This Amazon Sales Rank is Not Revolutionary (wickedly funny post)

One-Star Ratings on Amazon for Book without Kindle Version (GREAT post from Publishing Perspectives)

Lately, many authors and publicists have tried to dictate the time a review runs. 

Some have even suggested that they won't send books unless reviews post when they want them to.

It's not a bad thing to tell reviewers what period of time you'd like a review to run, but to try to specify a specific date - or a short time-span - that it runs is a bit obnoxious.

Trying to dictate a blogger's editorial schedule is like telling the editor of a newspaper what stories they will run and when. (Anyone who has dealt with the media knows just how far that goes - and also knows it alienates the media.)

Sometimes bloggers just cannot guarantee a review's post date - or even a time frame. Unlike virtual book tour slots - which are typically set in stone - reviews are much more fluid and are more likely to be bumped for breaking news or other items.

Bloggers might be able to post them during a certain time period, but likely won't be able to accommodate a specific date demand - and if they are smart, they will never do so. It sets a terrible precedent and gives authors and publishers too much control over blog content, which will eventually put the blog's reputation.

There are many reasons why reviews could take a while to post. Reviewers could be snowed under with ARCs. ARCs that have an earlier street date will take priority - especially if your book has been out a while. ARCs get lost in the mail and have to be resent. Reviewers quit. Servers go down. Natural disasters can hit and put everything on hold. (Yes, it has happened.)

One thing to remember is that many online reviewers are volunteers. They read and write reviews because they enjoy it. Sometimes, though, these review assignments must take a backburner to higher life priorities. That means that the deadline you've set simply cannot be met.

Most reviewers are going to post the reviews as close to the street date as possible. However, it never hurts to let them know your heaviest promotional time when you pitch your book to them. Be subtle, not demanding. Here is an example:

I think my latest SF/F novel would be a terrific fit for your site. The book will be available beginning Nov. 21 in bookstores everywhere, and on my Web site. I would love to offer a copy to your reviewers. From Nov. 15 to Dec. 21 I will be promoting the book through virtual book tour stops. If you have a date available and would like a guest blog or interview, please let me know.

Thanks for your time!

When you pitch your book, do you request a date for the book review?

Dan Brown cannot please critics

Dan Brown's a bestseller, but that doesn't mean he can keep critics happy and joyful about his work. In fact, it seems, many are just not that into his stories.

The Telegraph offers up a story with the 20 worst lines from Brown's books. Some of these are so bad, they made me laugh. A little editing could have helped - but that apparently doesn't matter to fans. They BUY.

Do you think mega-seller Dan Brown cares what critics think? The Lost Symbol broke sales records for one day, according to Reuters.

In a recent USAToday article, Brown said he hasn't read the books or Web sites that set out to debunk The Da Vinci Code, but he doesn't mind that they are there.

"I'm not surprised. I've always said there's room for different opinions. Controversy is a good thing when it gets people thinking and talking."

I found this terrific set of posts from UK author Mark Charan Newton about things he never anticipated before he became a published author.

In Some Interesting Things I Never Knew About Being a Writer, one of my favorites is No. 5:

There is no such thing as a bad review. Or to paraphrase a much better writer, you don’t read your press, you measure it. The best thing someone can do if they hate your book is not to mention it at all. No conversation kills a book. Just develop a thick skin and deal with what is said, because not everyone will like your work, and especially not everyone will like you. Just remember, you put yourself out there in front of people; you have to deal with it.

In More Things I Didn't Know About Being a Writer, Newton shares three more tips about spin, money and cover art. Be sure to check it out!

As I updated Market My Novel's blogroll, I discovered this savvy little blog by Cara Powers. Cara reviews just about anything - and wants to hear from you. If you are planning a virtual book tour or have a book coming out soon, contact Cara. Read below for details of books she will review.

Ooh . . . Books! is a general book review blog. Blogger Cara Powers will read just about anything except self-help books.

She constantly strives to make her full length book reviews more professional, more entertaining, more thoughtful, and generally more useful to authors and readers. She is also interested in introducing new novelists, memoir authors, and the occasional non-fiction author to the reading public.

Authors writing about biomedical ethics are especially welcome. She also actively promotes her blog. If she agrees to review your book, she will post links to her review anywhere comments are welcome (and pertinent to your book). Any review requests can be posted at her General Comments page.

There are a few reasons why I rarely accept self-published fiction titles at Pop Syndicate: Most are typically poorly edited, poorly written concepts that leave the reading side of my brain twitching for hours afterward. My reviewers refuse to try anymore because of some of the really, really bad ones we've received.

The main reason, however, is the overwhelmingly ugly, vicious and over-inflated egos that come along with the self-published book. I am shocked at some of the downright rude, obnoxious, toxic behavior I see from these authors.

Self-published fiction authors tend to want the world - for nothing. I've had them make demands that would put JLo to shame. Based on the quantity of emails I tend to receive from them, you'd think my entire life revolved around their one-day virtual book tour slot.

The thing is, it isn't just one or two who need attitude adjustments; this is a pattern that remains consist, despite my hopes to the contrary. (Not every author, but enough to make it matter.)

Of course, the ones who make the most idiotic demands are the ones who are never on time with their virtual book tour interview questions or guest blog. (Apparently, deadlines only apply to me in their comfy little world.)

So it was with little surprise that Henry Baum of the Self Publishing Review community shared a link on Twitter to a review where relatives of the author took umbrage.

These spiteful people tossed insults and questioned the reviewer Carol Buchanan's credibility - who has a PhD and wrote a really fair review. (Read the comments to see why I specifically mention PhD.) Baum checked the emails of the commenters and quickly discovered that they had the same last name as the author - and had used fake names for the public - something he shared with readers.

Of course, I could not let this slide. I had to leave my own two-cents - which, for the most part, was pretty tactful. (Aren't you proud of me?)

After reading this, I thought it was time for a reminder to authors that sometimes, reviewers just aren't that into you - for whatever reason.

If you have hot-headed relatives who want to duel anyone who doesn't like your stuff, tie them to a chair until they understand that their attitude reflects poorly on YOU. It could cost you sales and future reviews at ANY blog. (ehm... Alice Hoffman.) If you, the author, are the culprit, go buy yourself a journal, a fancy pen and some chocolate and furiously scribble the death warrants of every reviewer who didn't like your work - then burn the journal to exercise the revenge demons from your system.

If you are smart, once you get over the emotional toll of a bad review, you will sit down and seriously read what the reviewers had to say. Those that give examples from your work could provide valuable details that will make your next novel even better.

If you haven't already, check out my Etiquette Week post, How to Respond to Bad Reviews for tips to avoid blunders like those at the Self Publishing Review.

NOTE: Not all self-published titles are stinkers. Not all self-published authors are egotists. Unfortunately, this is a continuing trend I see in self-published fiction authors. These authors make it difficult for the terrific writers who know how to network. If you know an author who is acting stupid, take them to task and set them straight on proper ways to deal with bad reviews.

This week, Alice Hoffman didn't take too kindly to a lukewarm review of her latest, The Story Sisters, from Roberta Silman of the Boston Globe.

Hoffman fired off at the author, calling her a "moron" and an "idiot." She said she was angry that too much plot was given away, then criticized her hometown newspapers. She said as a woman, she had the right to act like a Twitter brat because someone just wasn't that into her writing. (Her Twitter account has been deleted, but Gawker.com was kind enough to take screen shots before someone deleted it.)

The worst part? Hoffman posted Silman's telephone number and e-mail address, and urged readers to call the reviewer and tell her she was stupid.

Obviously, Hoffman didn't read my May 25 post, How to Respond to Bad Reviews. Otherwise, she would have known such foolishness on a tight-knit, public network like Twitter would backfire. Her lack of understanding with how book reviews work today is evident in this tweet:

"Now any idiot can be a critic. Writers used to review writers. My second novel was reviewed by Ann Tyler. So who is Roberta Silman?"

Let me break this down into pieces:

1. Book reviewers come in all shapes and forms - including readers. Right now, her book has 18 reviews on Amazon - and seven of them aren't meant to flatter her ego. If you check these reviews with Silman's review, you will find several consistencies ion criticism. Alice, babe, sometimes reviewers just aren't that into you, or your work simply isn't up to the standard fans and reviewers expect.
2. Uhm, Alice, did you bother to figure out who Silman is BEFORE you posted? Based on this bio at RobertaSilman.com, I think she has some experience.
3. Writers many times don't want to review other writers. They don't want to have to give a bad review for crappy work for someone in their genre. It makes for bad business in the tight-knit publishing community. I don't blame them.
4. Why should I give a cat's patootie if Ann Tyler reviewed your second book? Who the heck is Ann Tyler? And how old is this book? Why should I can about the second novel, when all I want to know about is this one?

I'm not saying that Silman's review was the best written review I've ever seen - it isn't. But Hoffman's out-of-control response to lukewarm press was cyber road rage at its worst. Hoffman's thoughts were better shared with friends during a vent session at home or in a quiet room at the back of a restaurant. They were NOT appropriate for public viewing.

As a book reviewer, I was apalled and frustrated that an author of Hoffman's caliber would feel it necessary to publicly defame someone for not liking her work. I just wanted to sit down with Hoffman with a good cup of coffee and say, "Honey, Silman just wasn't that into you this time, but she did mention other books of yours she liked. Get. Over. It! And focus on your next book instead of creating a PR nightmare that could permanently damage your standing in the literary world."

Some authors just cannot take a bad review.

I cringe at some of the comments authors leave for reviewers and readers on sites like Amazon or Pop Syndicate for people who don't give them a five-star review.

These authors are rude, obnoxious and insulted that anyone dare say they just weren't that into them. It seems they expect everyone who reads their work to get down and praise the Lord for such wonderful prose - and stroke their "tender" egos like Mommy would.

As a book reviewer, I've experienced the bad when it comes to snarky authors wanting rave reviews for what I consider subpar work.

One author pitched me HARD to review her book - several times. It was self-published nonfiction about a murder near the author's hometown. I like true crime, so I thought I'd give it a try - even though I typically do not accept self-pubbed submissions.

A few weeks later, the author contacted me to find out if I'd gotten the book. The hard sell was still there, which made me a bit uncomfortable. I'd already said I would review it. Then, the author sent me another e-mail, stating flatly that if I didn't like the book, "I'd better not see a bad review of it online."

I was absolutely furious. This author wanted so badly to be reviewed before, but did not want to accept any negative consquences of a review. I had not started the book, but I knew after these multiple e-mail exchanges that no way would I be objective. I sent the book on to another reviewer.

On Amazon, I've seen several authors post horrid responses to readers who didn't like their work. Several of these authors had five-star reviews, but could only focus on the one or two people who didn't like them. One author was incensed that one of the readers didn't finish the book (the reader said they just couldn't trudge through it any longer).

Someone doesn't like your work, who cares? There could be a variety of reasons for it. The reader/reviewer could be:

• tired of the genre.
• tired of your recurring characters.
• having a bad day.
• too overwhelmed to care what you write.
• just not that into your book.

Not everyone is going to like you. Don't worry about it. Build relationships with the readers and reviewers who DO like your work. Allow your fans to stick up for you. That has more weight than you jumping into the fray intent on defending your publishing honor. Also remember that fans and reviewers may like some of your books, but not all of them. I certainly don't have any one author who produces work that are keepers all the time. Even my FAVs let me down a time or two. It happens. Don't ax a book reviewer from your ARC list for one bad review. Wait and see if there is a trend before you start chopping.

HOT TIP: There may be times when you need to stick up for yourself. If someone leaves comments that are untrue and damage your character or brand, go to the Web site to find out if you can have those comments removed. Before you pursue, ask other writers what they think of the comments first, or consult your publicist.